A popular song at the time Rich and I were engaged and newly married was The Twelfth of Never, sung by Johnny Mathis. We often used the lyrics to pledge our love to each other as lasting forever. During the time of our separation after Rich was drafted into the Marines, I recorded myself singing the song and sent it to him. Recently I looked for the lyrics online and discovered that other couples of the late 60's had used the song in wedding ceremonies and at memorial services when one partner had died.
As healing has taken the edge off my grief, I wonder whether memories of our time together will fade away like the pain. Today, while sorting through old slides, I saw one of us kissing. My heart began to race with the excitement of first love and I knew that love hasn't faded, it will remain. We will be a part of God's great love throughout the ages!
some of the lyrics...
I'll love you till the bluebells forget to bloom;
I'll love you till the clover has lost its perfume.
I'll love you till the poets run out of rhyme,
Until the twelfth of never and that's a long, long time.
Rich,...until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Purification and Unifying
As the cancer in Rich's body became more invasive and agressive, our life together went through purification and unification. Both of us had issues with selfishness that surfaced. As we dealt with those issues, purifying took place. Although the outward appearance deteriorated, our inward man was being strengthened. Rich would comment to people that, because of the changes being wrought in his thinking and attitudes, having cancer had been beneficial to him.
Part of our daily routine at one point was to go for walks in a little park near us. Few people used the park in the early morning hours so we often had it to ourselves. We would walk along the path, quoting scriptures and singing songs. What wonderful times those were! Listening to Charles Spurgeon sermons being read on the internet also highlighted our days. Spurgeon's confidence in a loving, merciful heavenly Father greatly influenced us and gave us new insight into our Father's character.
Just six months before Rich submitted to an examination which resulted in the diagnosis of cancer, our marriage went through a time of purifying. September of 1997 became a turning point. We sought to become more open and loving with each other, which brought a new dimension of intimacy in communication. For us, it was like being newlyweds again, only with more wisdom and understanding. That time prepared us for the tests ahead when our love would be challenged as never beflore.
Trials are never easy, nor are they sought out as desirable; but looking back, on the other side of the trial, positive changes are seen and appreciated.
Part of our daily routine at one point was to go for walks in a little park near us. Few people used the park in the early morning hours so we often had it to ourselves. We would walk along the path, quoting scriptures and singing songs. What wonderful times those were! Listening to Charles Spurgeon sermons being read on the internet also highlighted our days. Spurgeon's confidence in a loving, merciful heavenly Father greatly influenced us and gave us new insight into our Father's character.
Just six months before Rich submitted to an examination which resulted in the diagnosis of cancer, our marriage went through a time of purifying. September of 1997 became a turning point. We sought to become more open and loving with each other, which brought a new dimension of intimacy in communication. For us, it was like being newlyweds again, only with more wisdom and understanding. That time prepared us for the tests ahead when our love would be challenged as never beflore.
Trials are never easy, nor are they sought out as desirable; but looking back, on the other side of the trial, positive changes are seen and appreciated.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
One Year
A year ago, I did not know that within days, Rich would be gone to be with the Lord. How differently those days would have been lived if I could have seen ahead. Now I can only attempt to learn to be more present and more involved with each day of life, living in the "now" rather than the "someday"...
This year of adjustment has contained a mixture of negatives and positives. Negatives associated with grieving, with learning to let go and accept the change that has come; positives of overcoming, of building and rebuilding family relationships, of learning to anticipate and expect the good that lies ahead.
Regrets:
As this year has gone by, one of the struggles and sources of pain has been the missed opportunities to say "I love you", "You're awesome"--to affirm how much joy and love he'd given me., to remark on all his wonderful qualities, to let him know how attractive he was to me...Regrets that I wasn't a better wife ( but then I found notes from him telling me I was a great wife), even so being a better wife would have been a wonderful gift to have given him...
Another regret and questions centered around our spiritual life--did we take wrong turns, miss the mission He had for us to do together? Do I now try to find that mission and live it out as the remaining partner?
Grief:
Grief surfaces, sometimes triggering a flow of tears, sometimes a torrent of sobs--when I let it. I suppress it, push it down, avoid situations that will bring it to the surface. When it is allowed to come forth, usually the result is cleansing and healing.
Loss of companionship
There's a big empty spot, I try to fill it with being busy, being with people, but none of those fill that emptiness, that being alone
Learning to be one, to be me:
I lived in Rich's shadow. He was the decision maker, the trail blazer, the dispenser of wisdom in all the areas of our life--I coasted along, content to follow. Who am I? What do I do with the remainder of my life?
Learning to relax, to rest:
Our lives were tightly scheduled and structured while running the mushroom business. Even when we set it aside, there were still enough demands upon my day to keep me working steadily. So this year, I've tried to keep scheduled, to find things to provide structure, because I thought that's how I needed to continue to live and that if I didn't somehow I'd be negligent. And because I felt I needed to get to "work" and accomplish that illusive mission in our life. It's been a learning curve to realize that it's okay not to be on a treadmill, that it's okay to relax and to regroup.
In the midst of sorrow, joy:
Hugs from grandkids and kids; times of worship, expectations of heaven, experiencing love from Father God, seeing God at work in lives around me, reading love notes from Rich and remembering; hearing voices raised in worship and imagining Rich joining in with the voices in heaven; sharing times of fellowship with our children, seeing them walking with the Lord, enjoying the beauty of God's creation, thankfulness for the good years we had together...
This year of adjustment has contained a mixture of negatives and positives. Negatives associated with grieving, with learning to let go and accept the change that has come; positives of overcoming, of building and rebuilding family relationships, of learning to anticipate and expect the good that lies ahead.
Regrets:
As this year has gone by, one of the struggles and sources of pain has been the missed opportunities to say "I love you", "You're awesome"--to affirm how much joy and love he'd given me., to remark on all his wonderful qualities, to let him know how attractive he was to me...Regrets that I wasn't a better wife ( but then I found notes from him telling me I was a great wife), even so being a better wife would have been a wonderful gift to have given him...
Another regret and questions centered around our spiritual life--did we take wrong turns, miss the mission He had for us to do together? Do I now try to find that mission and live it out as the remaining partner?
Grief:
Grief surfaces, sometimes triggering a flow of tears, sometimes a torrent of sobs--when I let it. I suppress it, push it down, avoid situations that will bring it to the surface. When it is allowed to come forth, usually the result is cleansing and healing.
Loss of companionship
There's a big empty spot, I try to fill it with being busy, being with people, but none of those fill that emptiness, that being alone
Learning to be one, to be me:
I lived in Rich's shadow. He was the decision maker, the trail blazer, the dispenser of wisdom in all the areas of our life--I coasted along, content to follow. Who am I? What do I do with the remainder of my life?
Learning to relax, to rest:
Our lives were tightly scheduled and structured while running the mushroom business. Even when we set it aside, there were still enough demands upon my day to keep me working steadily. So this year, I've tried to keep scheduled, to find things to provide structure, because I thought that's how I needed to continue to live and that if I didn't somehow I'd be negligent. And because I felt I needed to get to "work" and accomplish that illusive mission in our life. It's been a learning curve to realize that it's okay not to be on a treadmill, that it's okay to relax and to regroup.
In the midst of sorrow, joy:
Hugs from grandkids and kids; times of worship, expectations of heaven, experiencing love from Father God, seeing God at work in lives around me, reading love notes from Rich and remembering; hearing voices raised in worship and imagining Rich joining in with the voices in heaven; sharing times of fellowship with our children, seeing them walking with the Lord, enjoying the beauty of God's creation, thankfulness for the good years we had together...
Saturday, August 25, 2012
New Girl on the Playground
My first day of school as a child began in first grade with everything out of step. Apparently school started on a different day, so when I arrived for my first day, I was the only one who was "new".
Besides that, I had come in jeans, which apparently wasn't considered proper school attire at that school--dresses and skirts only for girls.
The teacher asked other girls to help me get acquainted. They tried, but a mindset had taken hold in my thinking that said I was different than everyone else, that they didn't like me and wouldn't like me, and that even if they did talk to me, I wouldn't know what to say
Unfortunately that thinking pattern took hold and often, when encountered with a new situation with unfamiliar people, I unconsciously freeze up and put up walls, choosing to isolate myself and stick out rather than mingle. Having recognized this, I am resolving to tell myself that I'm not that little girl on the playground anymore, and that I can choose to be friendly. What a relief to be free!
Besides that, I had come in jeans, which apparently wasn't considered proper school attire at that school--dresses and skirts only for girls.
The teacher asked other girls to help me get acquainted. They tried, but a mindset had taken hold in my thinking that said I was different than everyone else, that they didn't like me and wouldn't like me, and that even if they did talk to me, I wouldn't know what to say
Unfortunately that thinking pattern took hold and often, when encountered with a new situation with unfamiliar people, I unconsciously freeze up and put up walls, choosing to isolate myself and stick out rather than mingle. Having recognized this, I am resolving to tell myself that I'm not that little girl on the playground anymore, and that I can choose to be friendly. What a relief to be free!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Favorite Songs
Today, I realized three of my favorite songs have a common theme--the steadfast love of Jesus, His presence with us throughout all of life's ups and downs and the provision of His righteousness.
From In Christ Alone by Stuart Townend:
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
From Our Great Savior by J. Wilbur Chapman
Jesus! What a Strength in weakness! Let me hide myself in Him;
Tempted, tried, and sometimes failing, He, my Strength, my vict'ry wins.
Jesus! What a help in sorrow! While the billows over me roll;
Even when my heart is breaking, He, my comfort, helps my soul.
From The Solid Rock by Edward Mote
My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ, the solid Rock I stand--All other ground is sinking sand, All other ground is sinking sand.
When darkness veils His lovely face, I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale my anchor holds within the veil.
His oath, His covenant, His blood support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives ways, He then is all my hope and stay.
The Solid Rock came from the 19th Century, Our Great Savior from the early 20th Century, and In Christ Alone from the late 20th Century--a witness from generation to generation of the blessings of His steadfast love and constant care.
From In Christ Alone by Stuart Townend:
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
From Our Great Savior by J. Wilbur Chapman
Jesus! What a Strength in weakness! Let me hide myself in Him;
Tempted, tried, and sometimes failing, He, my Strength, my vict'ry wins.
Jesus! What a help in sorrow! While the billows over me roll;
Even when my heart is breaking, He, my comfort, helps my soul.
From The Solid Rock by Edward Mote
My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ, the solid Rock I stand--All other ground is sinking sand, All other ground is sinking sand.
When darkness veils His lovely face, I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale my anchor holds within the veil.
His oath, His covenant, His blood support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives ways, He then is all my hope and stay.
The Solid Rock came from the 19th Century, Our Great Savior from the early 20th Century, and In Christ Alone from the late 20th Century--a witness from generation to generation of the blessings of His steadfast love and constant care.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Always Faithful, Always True
A stack of old letters, a note here and there...as I go through files and boxes of momentos accumulated over the years, invariably something will pop up that Rich wrote to me telling me of his love and devotion. For me, it is a blessing to have words of endearment from him coming unexpectedly and steadily even now. The fact that I have so many is a testimony of his dedication to letting me know of his commitment to love and cherish me until death.
When he entered the Marine Corps, I asked him what "Semper Fidelis", the Marine motto, meant. He wrote back that it means "Always Faithful". He said "always faithful" was an apt description of God and that he wanted to be always faithful to me and to the Lord. He was!
Principles and truths guided Rich's life. When he found a principle that he believed was true and right, he would stick to it, no matter what. Faithfulness to our marriage was fueled by these verses found in Proverbs 5:15-19
Drink waters out of thine own cistern, And running waters out of thine own well.
Should thy springs be dispersed abroad, And streams of water in the streets?
Let them be for thyself alone, And not for strangers with thee.
Let thy fountain be blessed; And rejoice in the wife of thy youth.
As a loving hind and a pleasant doe... And be thou ravished always with her love.
For 43 years he remained a faithful husband and father. On this, our anniversary, I honor him. He was "Always Faithful, Always True."
When he entered the Marine Corps, I asked him what "Semper Fidelis", the Marine motto, meant. He wrote back that it means "Always Faithful". He said "always faithful" was an apt description of God and that he wanted to be always faithful to me and to the Lord. He was!
Principles and truths guided Rich's life. When he found a principle that he believed was true and right, he would stick to it, no matter what. Faithfulness to our marriage was fueled by these verses found in Proverbs 5:15-19
Drink waters out of thine own cistern, And running waters out of thine own well.
Should thy springs be dispersed abroad, And streams of water in the streets?
Let them be for thyself alone, And not for strangers with thee.
Let thy fountain be blessed; And rejoice in the wife of thy youth.
As a loving hind and a pleasant doe... And be thou ravished always with her love.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
When God Shows Up
I love it when the Lord "shows up" in my life. This morning was such a time. I had been struggling all week with questions about what I should be doing, how to be a "worker" for Him, being eager to jump in and do something--anything--just so I could feel productive. I didn't have any sense of direction, any "calling"...was it because I'm not listening, not getting quiet enough so I could hear? These were my thoughts and questions.
This morning I opened a devotional book that I use. After reading the devotion, which was helpful, I turned to the Scripture references, which were both familiar passages, but the devotional writer suggested reading them in the Amplified version. I read the verse given, but kept reading and then got to the verse the Lord wanted me to see. In essence, He said: wait, trust Me, rest, don't start off on your own...that He was waitng expectantly for me to get to that place of trust and quietness so that He could work in me and through me.
Besides the comfort of hearing from Him, there's also the reassurance that He will communicate even though there may be times of being perplexed and wondering why there doesn't seem to be progress.
This morning I opened a devotional book that I use. After reading the devotion, which was helpful, I turned to the Scripture references, which were both familiar passages, but the devotional writer suggested reading them in the Amplified version. I read the verse given, but kept reading and then got to the verse the Lord wanted me to see. In essence, He said: wait, trust Me, rest, don't start off on your own...that He was waitng expectantly for me to get to that place of trust and quietness so that He could work in me and through me.
Besides the comfort of hearing from Him, there's also the reassurance that He will communicate even though there may be times of being perplexed and wondering why there doesn't seem to be progress.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Yearning Fulfilled
Years ago, I'd hear testimonies of people who had a relationship with God that went beyond anything I'd experienced. I couldn't identify with what they were saying; my own relationship seemed so wooden and forced.
Today that has all changed! When I hear a person affirm the reality of God in his or her life and how they have found Him faithful, my heart responds with a resounding "Yes, I know that too, that is my experience as well".
What has brought about the change? Nothing clear cut and monumental stands out. I think it was the result of small changes of thinking and of a choice here, and a choice there. One time after listening to sermons by Charles Spurgeon on a daily basis, I marveled at his confidence in the goodness of God. Mr. Spurgeon had an unshakable trust in God's character as being trustworthy. I made the decision to believe God's character is, without question, one of integrity, goodness and trustworthiness, no matter whether circumstances seemed to say otherwise. Our heavenly Father is not a capricious, arbitrary god such as those found in Greek mythology, but wholly holy.
Another turning point came when I stopped believing that God's love for me was based on my performance. The realization followed that His love for me had nothing to do with my "works", but was solely His choice. "For God so loved the world..." included me. When I started on a journey to return to Oregon, He was with me, as He had always been, but this time there was a heightened awareness of His love. Whether it came through a song, a passage of Scripture, a book taken off a shelf or a sermon; the message came through clearly: " I love you."
Can that realization be lost or dimmed? Yes, it can. Some days I have wondered where it went, wondered if I was mistaken. The awareness can be overshadowed by cares of this world, by distractions, by getting caught up in negative emotions... in many ways, just as clouds obscure the sun, it can fade. But the remedy is easy---think on things that are true, especially the fact that He does love me and that that love isn't going to evaporate in the midst of trials---and by giving Him thanks and telling Him that I love Him.
If God loves me, even one such as me, and calls me His beloved, then most assuredly He loves you as well, for He is no respecter of persons!
Today that has all changed! When I hear a person affirm the reality of God in his or her life and how they have found Him faithful, my heart responds with a resounding "Yes, I know that too, that is my experience as well".
What has brought about the change? Nothing clear cut and monumental stands out. I think it was the result of small changes of thinking and of a choice here, and a choice there. One time after listening to sermons by Charles Spurgeon on a daily basis, I marveled at his confidence in the goodness of God. Mr. Spurgeon had an unshakable trust in God's character as being trustworthy. I made the decision to believe God's character is, without question, one of integrity, goodness and trustworthiness, no matter whether circumstances seemed to say otherwise. Our heavenly Father is not a capricious, arbitrary god such as those found in Greek mythology, but wholly holy.
Another turning point came when I stopped believing that God's love for me was based on my performance. The realization followed that His love for me had nothing to do with my "works", but was solely His choice. "For God so loved the world..." included me. When I started on a journey to return to Oregon, He was with me, as He had always been, but this time there was a heightened awareness of His love. Whether it came through a song, a passage of Scripture, a book taken off a shelf or a sermon; the message came through clearly: " I love you."
Can that realization be lost or dimmed? Yes, it can. Some days I have wondered where it went, wondered if I was mistaken. The awareness can be overshadowed by cares of this world, by distractions, by getting caught up in negative emotions... in many ways, just as clouds obscure the sun, it can fade. But the remedy is easy---think on things that are true, especially the fact that He does love me and that that love isn't going to evaporate in the midst of trials---and by giving Him thanks and telling Him that I love Him.
If God loves me, even one such as me, and calls me His beloved, then most assuredly He loves you as well, for He is no respecter of persons!
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Clarifying Impressions
Most of my posts are positive and upbeat. Although that predominantly is how my life is going, it does not mean that there aren't times of pain and grief. Both come unexpectedly and predictably--unexpectedly at the sight of an older couple growing old together; or predictably when thoughts surface of regrets, or the awareness that a special occasion is near. I can be surrounded by people, yet alone, because my lifelong companion is not beside me. Since where I put my focus determines my outlook and attitude, I choose to focus on moving forward rather than getting mired down in that which only pulls me into emotional distress. When my guard is down, and I slip into a negataive tailspin, it can be very painful and disheartening. During those times, drawing inward is the worst thing I can do, yet it is the easiest. Like quicksand, it can draw me deeper and deeper, hence getting out requires a bigger effort. Thankfully, thus far I've been able to pull myself out.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Anchored
Once in a while, a defining moment takes place in life; one that can be looked back upon as a time of choice that influences life from that point on.
Two such moments are interconnected, but were years apart. More than 15 years ago, I sat with a friend discussing prayer and situations in our lives. I remember making a statement to the effect that if a particular need that I had wasn't answered in the way that I expected, it would not change my faith in God or in prayer. When I said that, it almost felt like I'd dropped an anchor that sunk down deep and took hold, not to be dislodged. Shortly after that, in a small group setting, someone described me as a person whose faith went down to bedrock--another visualization of what had taken place in me.
The second time occurred in a motel room. Months before I'd sat beside a dying family member who refused to have anyone bring up the need for salvation; even though a Christless, Godless eternity stretched ahead. That one was convinced there was no need, that religion was pointless, that God didn't exist, or if He did, He didn't have any concern or interest for individual people. Now, that same thinking had taken root in another family member. Doubts and questions began to challenge my belief system; what if they are right and I'm wrong? Then, memories surfaced of times when the Unseen One-- Jesus, my Lord-- had responded to cries for help, of times when His presence was real. How could I say such a one did not exist when He had interacted with me? He was too real, too personable for me to say He did not exist. The doubts were thrust aside; God was more than a belief--He was real.
Those two defining moments anchored me for the time in which I now live-- my beloved husband and friend no longer walks hand in hand with me. But there is Another, who assures me of His love and who also holds my hand. I am even more assured now that He is real; that He loves me; that He is with me. It is a knowing that has come from trying experiences, from doubts examined and set aside; and from that communication that is unheard, unseen, not tangible to the physical senses in any way, yet so very real.
Two such moments are interconnected, but were years apart. More than 15 years ago, I sat with a friend discussing prayer and situations in our lives. I remember making a statement to the effect that if a particular need that I had wasn't answered in the way that I expected, it would not change my faith in God or in prayer. When I said that, it almost felt like I'd dropped an anchor that sunk down deep and took hold, not to be dislodged. Shortly after that, in a small group setting, someone described me as a person whose faith went down to bedrock--another visualization of what had taken place in me.
The second time occurred in a motel room. Months before I'd sat beside a dying family member who refused to have anyone bring up the need for salvation; even though a Christless, Godless eternity stretched ahead. That one was convinced there was no need, that religion was pointless, that God didn't exist, or if He did, He didn't have any concern or interest for individual people. Now, that same thinking had taken root in another family member. Doubts and questions began to challenge my belief system; what if they are right and I'm wrong? Then, memories surfaced of times when the Unseen One-- Jesus, my Lord-- had responded to cries for help, of times when His presence was real. How could I say such a one did not exist when He had interacted with me? He was too real, too personable for me to say He did not exist. The doubts were thrust aside; God was more than a belief--He was real.
Those two defining moments anchored me for the time in which I now live-- my beloved husband and friend no longer walks hand in hand with me. But there is Another, who assures me of His love and who also holds my hand. I am even more assured now that He is real; that He loves me; that He is with me. It is a knowing that has come from trying experiences, from doubts examined and set aside; and from that communication that is unheard, unseen, not tangible to the physical senses in any way, yet so very real.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Just Be
Just Be…
The Lord speaks and says: Just be…My beloved; just be…thankful; just be…with Me.
Take My hand and walk with Me. I’m always here, always with you. Acknowledge My presence. Let’s just be together.
Just be…who I am making you to be. Don’t get up on the potter’s wheel and try to make yourself be what you think you should be because of what you read or see in others. Don’t force yourself to live up to standards you can’t meet. Just be…I’ll take care of the shaping and molding. Just be… obedient to what I speak to you about; just be…responsive to My counsel and direction, but most of all, to My love.
Just as clouds obscure the sun, so the circumstances of this life, the demands of daily living, the thinking of your own mind, the thoughts of others, and the things that cry out for your attention, they all obscure My presence. But that does not remove My existence. It does not make Me any less real. When all those clouds are removed, I still remain, bright and shining in My glory, giving warmth and life and joy. When everything else is gone, I am. I am here, loving you, waiting…I am truth and I have found you.
While thinking about the Lord and His lovingkindness, He reminded me of an incident that took place years ago. Rich and I were at the beginning of our friendship, which was on the verge of blossoming into love. He and another friend had decided to attend a meeting they'd heard about rather than go to the Sunday evening college group associated with our church. I started off with a friend to the college group; but her car broke down on the way to the meeting. Rain poured down on us as we walked to get help. Yes, this was long before cell phones. In the meantime, Rich and Stan had changed their minds and decided to attend the college group after all. They were concerned when Sydney and I didn't come. Rich returned to Betty June's where I was living, and waited for me. When I finally made it home, looking like a drowned rat, there he was! He enfolded me in his embrace. Never had I felt so cared for and loved.
The Lord told me this is a picture of His love. When we wander through life making messes of ourselves, He is near and waiting to receive us, to embrace us and assure us of His love. To those wandering, I urge, "Come home, He's waiting!"
Monday, April 9, 2012
Same Journey--new vistas
The day Rich passed from earth to heaven, I received from the Lord the direction I was to take: Philippians 3:12-14 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected, but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended, but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Press on, reach for what is ahead, for the goal, for the prize of heaven. Rich has already taken up citizenship there (v.20) but I am still here. I am not to get bogged down in the past, but to move forward.
The next day: Isaiah 35:10 The ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing, with everlasting joy on their heads. They shall obtain joy and gladness and sorrow and sighing shall flee away. In the midst of my sorrow, comfort always came when I thought of what Rich was getting to experience!
One Sunday a few weeks later this song spoke to me, bringing tears and encouragement; it seemed to have been written just for me. I Have A Hope: some of the phrases: I have a hope, I have a future, I have a destiny that is yet awaiting me, my life's not over, a new beginning's just begun...
The next day: Isaiah 35:10 The ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing, with everlasting joy on their heads. They shall obtain joy and gladness and sorrow and sighing shall flee away. In the midst of my sorrow, comfort always came when I thought of what Rich was getting to experience!
One Sunday a few weeks later this song spoke to me, bringing tears and encouragement; it seemed to have been written just for me. I Have A Hope: some of the phrases: I have a hope, I have a future, I have a destiny that is yet awaiting me, my life's not over, a new beginning's just begun...
Sunday, March 25, 2012
A Different Measure of Success
Words that I often think of in connection with Rich are: zealous, passionate, man of integrity. Today, successful is added to the list. The sermon which I heard at church was titled Principles of Success, based on Joshua 23: 1-16. The pastor outlined four principles from that chapter of Joshua which characterize being a successful Christian. The first was to give God credit and glory for what He has done. The second: Keep your way according to God's Word and obey it. Third: Cling to the Lord, trust Him. Fourth: Love the Lord your God. All of these principles were consistently applied in Rich's life. He told of God's goodness and greatness, giving Him credit for help, provision and deliverance. Whenever he found anything in the Word that he felt was a command to him, he was quick to obey. Throughout the battle with cancer, he trusted the Lord time and again and clung to Him. And yes, He loved the Lord! He kept himself separate from anything that he thought might compromise his commitment to the Lord. As Chris, our son-in-law, expressed it: Well done, good and faithful servant!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Life Goes On--the Journey Continues
Originally, I began writing this blog to chronicle the journey Rich and I were on as he battled cancer. Quickly, though, I saw how difficult it was to do that. When there was hope and expectation, when there were victories, writing was easy. A pattern began to emerge, though, of progress and setbacks; of hope and then despair. What was the use of writing positively, knowing that the next day might bring contradictory circumstances. I only wanted to emphasize the positive. So I stopped. I expected a time would come when the victory would be final and then I could record the ups and downs with triumph. Just now, as I wrote these words a verse came to mind: "Death is swallowed up in victory." 1 Corinthians 15:54 Victory as I foresaw it did not come, but even in death there is victory and triumph, the Word of God tells us. And there's more: "But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."
Yes, Rich left his body, his body died and he's gone to be with the Lord. I've always struggled with the negative aspects of death--thinking that it is defeat and failure. Now I see that it isn't! For one who believes in redemption through the blood of Jesus, the forgiveness of sins and the provision of an eternal home with the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, there is no sting in death, only victory! The sting of death is sin; sin is dealt with through the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus. Victory and triumph and rejoicing are appropriate responses! Jesus said: "I am the resurrection and the life,he who believes in me, though he may die, he shall live." HALLELUJAH!
Yes, Rich left his body, his body died and he's gone to be with the Lord. I've always struggled with the negative aspects of death--thinking that it is defeat and failure. Now I see that it isn't! For one who believes in redemption through the blood of Jesus, the forgiveness of sins and the provision of an eternal home with the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, there is no sting in death, only victory! The sting of death is sin; sin is dealt with through the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus. Victory and triumph and rejoicing are appropriate responses! Jesus said: "I am the resurrection and the life,he who believes in me, though he may die, he shall live." HALLELUJAH!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
A Matter of Trust, A Matter of Control
Recently we experienced some trying times dealing with contractors. We had wanted to do some maintenance work on the house, maintenance which was long overdue, but we ( Rich) didn't have the time to do. In the process of dealing with the contractors, we lost confidence in their integrity and the quality of their work. Mostly this was a result of things promised that weren't done and poor workmanship; some was because of lack of understanding on our part; and I suspect the fact that we weren't in control was also a contributing factor. Their actions and failure to follow through with promises caused us to mistrust them. Our lack of understanding and lack of control added to the frustration.
I read this idea in a book about gardening: People attempting to grow vegetables and fruits get the feeling that nature is an antagonist, so they fight back against insects and weeds with poisons, rather than learning how to work with the natural environment. They have this concept about nature because that is what they experience with people as a whole. When I read that I thought how often people have a similar concept about God--they think that He is against them and taking things away from them, and making life difficult for them. They don't know His goodness and His trustworthiness so they put upon Him characteristics of the people they have encountered who were hateful, untrustworthy and unreliable. Also they want control of their life and when God doesn't come through for them in the way that they want Him to, they doubt His goodness. Again it is a matter of trust and a matter of control. What isn't realized is that God is infinitely good and infinitely wise; He of all beings, can be trusted and allowed to be "in control."
I read this idea in a book about gardening: People attempting to grow vegetables and fruits get the feeling that nature is an antagonist, so they fight back against insects and weeds with poisons, rather than learning how to work with the natural environment. They have this concept about nature because that is what they experience with people as a whole. When I read that I thought how often people have a similar concept about God--they think that He is against them and taking things away from them, and making life difficult for them. They don't know His goodness and His trustworthiness so they put upon Him characteristics of the people they have encountered who were hateful, untrustworthy and unreliable. Also they want control of their life and when God doesn't come through for them in the way that they want Him to, they doubt His goodness. Again it is a matter of trust and a matter of control. What isn't realized is that God is infinitely good and infinitely wise; He of all beings, can be trusted and allowed to be "in control."
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Eye witness account
Yesterday and today I've watched the voting process in action. We live just around the corner from the county election board where early voting started yesterday. Cars filled side streets, our street and a vacant lot nearby after the election board parking lot and the parking lots of two churches were full. What a wonderful thing to see--voters purposefully walking up the street to cast their ballot. Whoever becomes the next president will be chosen by these responsible citizens. Ultimately after all the candidates efforts to persuade and convince, the choice lies with the people. Today they are turning out in large numbers to make that choice!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
The Note
Quite some time ago, Rich left a little note for me that said "I love you" with a smiling face on it. Just for fun, I put it someplace for him to find. That began a routine that has lasted for months. The note often shows up in most unusual places. One time when I was having trouble with the computer Rich suggested I do some troubleshooting and check the bottom of the mouse. There was the note!
Another time, he said I'd find it on Monday. Since Monday was the day that I vacuum, I expected it would be found when I got out the vacuum. But I had to postpone vacuuming, so when he asked if I'd found it, I said, "No, I didn't vacuum"! On Tuesday, I looked everywhere in and around the vacuum and didn't find it. Finally, on Wednesday, the note reappeared--in the mail! He had taken it to the main post office on Saturday morning, expecting a fast delivery.
Another time, he said I'd find it on Monday. Since Monday was the day that I vacuum, I expected it would be found when I got out the vacuum. But I had to postpone vacuuming, so when he asked if I'd found it, I said, "No, I didn't vacuum"! On Tuesday, I looked everywhere in and around the vacuum and didn't find it. Finally, on Wednesday, the note reappeared--in the mail! He had taken it to the main post office on Saturday morning, expecting a fast delivery.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
cancer log
Today, October 30, another spot has appeared on Rich's neck, on his right side, just behind his ear like the first one 19 years ago. I'm holding fast to the Lord and to His promises, asking Him for healing and deliverance from this plague of cancer. This experience has been a furnace of purification for both of us. Rich is maintaining a cheerful, positive attitude with the expectation of healing being completed. He has been sweet and loving to me all day. Through the times of testing we've grown closer; he has learned to be kind in the midst of pain and feeling poorly; I have learned to be more positive, hopeful and dependent on the Lord--these are just a few of the changes the Lord has wrought in us during this time.
November 3, the spot behind Rich's ear turned out to be just some dried crud that looked like a growth. It is gone. The lesson: things are not what they seem. Today, I still struggled with the sight of his face swelling and being discolored. I ask the Lord for help and He gives it. How do I trust His Word and not go by sight? Which is reality?
November 4 Reading today in Luke, the passages about the storm with Jesus asleep in the boat and the disciples panicking, the woman with the issue of blood, and Jairus' daughter. In all three the natural realities were changed by faith. Jesus spoke to the storm and it ceased, the woman touched Jesus' garment and was healed, Jesus told the crowd the daughter was sleeping, not dead and He changed the reality of death to life. So in these incidents the realities of sight, of what is real in the natural are changed by faith.
November 11 Earlier this week Rich had a season of intense pain in his ear and jaw. Before that occurred, I'd been reminded by the Lord from James 1 to be joyful in times of tribulation for those times strengthen our faith and teach us endurance. That led to thoughts about how the Holy Spirit develops the fruit of the spirit in us--that is is not through a sudden change in me wrought by the Holy Spirit, but rather through a molding, cultivating process as we encounter the various circumstances of life.
November 16 The Lord continues to give scriptures about endurance--James 5: 7-11, Hebrews 12. This morning I was wondering whether He is saying that I need to endure and allow His working in my life and Rich's because healing is not going to come, that He will do a greater work in us through no healing. I saw that I am being doubleminded, I don't know what to believe. Healing, at this point, would be miraculous. I asked the Lord for wisdom so that I am not doubleminded--for Rich says the Lord is healing him. Outward appearances, sight, say otherwise. In my thoughts came the words: He is healed. I asked the Lord for His confirmation in scripture that these words were from Him, knowing that my mind has been active with many thoughts and words that did not have Him as the source. In reply came Isaiah 55:11, which says: So shall My word be which comes forth from My mouth: it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. Now will I believe?
November 3, the spot behind Rich's ear turned out to be just some dried crud that looked like a growth. It is gone. The lesson: things are not what they seem. Today, I still struggled with the sight of his face swelling and being discolored. I ask the Lord for help and He gives it. How do I trust His Word and not go by sight? Which is reality?
November 4 Reading today in Luke, the passages about the storm with Jesus asleep in the boat and the disciples panicking, the woman with the issue of blood, and Jairus' daughter. In all three the natural realities were changed by faith. Jesus spoke to the storm and it ceased, the woman touched Jesus' garment and was healed, Jesus told the crowd the daughter was sleeping, not dead and He changed the reality of death to life. So in these incidents the realities of sight, of what is real in the natural are changed by faith.
November 11 Earlier this week Rich had a season of intense pain in his ear and jaw. Before that occurred, I'd been reminded by the Lord from James 1 to be joyful in times of tribulation for those times strengthen our faith and teach us endurance. That led to thoughts about how the Holy Spirit develops the fruit of the spirit in us--that is is not through a sudden change in me wrought by the Holy Spirit, but rather through a molding, cultivating process as we encounter the various circumstances of life.
November 16 The Lord continues to give scriptures about endurance--James 5: 7-11, Hebrews 12. This morning I was wondering whether He is saying that I need to endure and allow His working in my life and Rich's because healing is not going to come, that He will do a greater work in us through no healing. I saw that I am being doubleminded, I don't know what to believe. Healing, at this point, would be miraculous. I asked the Lord for wisdom so that I am not doubleminded--for Rich says the Lord is healing him. Outward appearances, sight, say otherwise. In my thoughts came the words: He is healed. I asked the Lord for His confirmation in scripture that these words were from Him, knowing that my mind has been active with many thoughts and words that did not have Him as the source. In reply came Isaiah 55:11, which says: So shall My word be which comes forth from My mouth: it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. Now will I believe?
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
A Special Person: Lessons to learn
The life of a farmer can be difficult and challenging. In rural South Dakota the climate alone is a constant adversary. Harsh winters with temperatures sometimes dropping to 20 degrees below zero and blizzards; fickle springs with winter often holding out until May; wind, always the wind; dry, hot summers and drought, or hail and cloudbursts that render the dirt roads impassable.
Yet for all the years of her life, Aunt Helen remained on the farm. All her sisters married and left; her one brother joined the Navy and never came back to the farm to live. She stayed, helping Grandpa with the outdoor chores and helping Grandma with the indoor ones. Then Grandma died. Surely Helen preferred the outdoor chores, but there was food to prepare, not just for the two of them, but for church suppers and sales, for crews that came to help during harvest and branding. The house still needed to be kept clean. Helen worked on. Then Grandpa had a stroke. Helen kept him there on the farm, married Arnold and together they ran the farm and cared for Grandpa until he died. For another 22 years they kept the farm going-- continuing on as their bodies weakened.
In looking at Helen's life I see commitment, dedication to duty and persistence. Why did she stay on the farm? Maybe it was the only life she knew, the only option she thought available, maybe she didn't want to move and to venture into the unknown, maybe she wanted to keep the farm until it could be passed on to a family member,maybe she stayed because she loved her home, the land and the animals. I suspect it was a combination of all of these. Whatever her reasons, she was not a quitter; she didn't let circumstances overcome her; she kept going.
Yet for all the years of her life, Aunt Helen remained on the farm. All her sisters married and left; her one brother joined the Navy and never came back to the farm to live. She stayed, helping Grandpa with the outdoor chores and helping Grandma with the indoor ones. Then Grandma died. Surely Helen preferred the outdoor chores, but there was food to prepare, not just for the two of them, but for church suppers and sales, for crews that came to help during harvest and branding. The house still needed to be kept clean. Helen worked on. Then Grandpa had a stroke. Helen kept him there on the farm, married Arnold and together they ran the farm and cared for Grandpa until he died. For another 22 years they kept the farm going-- continuing on as their bodies weakened.
In looking at Helen's life I see commitment, dedication to duty and persistence. Why did she stay on the farm? Maybe it was the only life she knew, the only option she thought available, maybe she didn't want to move and to venture into the unknown, maybe she wanted to keep the farm until it could be passed on to a family member,maybe she stayed because she loved her home, the land and the animals. I suspect it was a combination of all of these. Whatever her reasons, she was not a quitter; she didn't let circumstances overcome her; she kept going.
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