A popular song at the time Rich and I were engaged and newly married was The Twelfth of Never, sung by Johnny Mathis. We often used the lyrics to pledge our love to each other as lasting forever. During the time of our separation after Rich was drafted into the Marines, I recorded myself singing the song and sent it to him. Recently I looked for the lyrics online and discovered that other couples of the late 60's had used the song in wedding ceremonies and at memorial services when one partner had died.
As healing has taken the edge off my grief, I wonder whether memories of our time together will fade away like the pain. Today, while sorting through old slides, I saw one of us kissing. My heart began to race with the excitement of first love and I knew that love hasn't faded, it will remain. We will be a part of God's great love throughout the ages!
some of the lyrics...
I'll love you till the bluebells forget to bloom;
I'll love you till the clover has lost its perfume.
I'll love you till the poets run out of rhyme,
Until the twelfth of never and that's a long, long time.
Rich,...until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Purification and Unifying
As the cancer in Rich's body became more invasive and agressive, our life together went through purification and unification. Both of us had issues with selfishness that surfaced. As we dealt with those issues, purifying took place. Although the outward appearance deteriorated, our inward man was being strengthened. Rich would comment to people that, because of the changes being wrought in his thinking and attitudes, having cancer had been beneficial to him.
Part of our daily routine at one point was to go for walks in a little park near us. Few people used the park in the early morning hours so we often had it to ourselves. We would walk along the path, quoting scriptures and singing songs. What wonderful times those were! Listening to Charles Spurgeon sermons being read on the internet also highlighted our days. Spurgeon's confidence in a loving, merciful heavenly Father greatly influenced us and gave us new insight into our Father's character.
Just six months before Rich submitted to an examination which resulted in the diagnosis of cancer, our marriage went through a time of purifying. September of 1997 became a turning point. We sought to become more open and loving with each other, which brought a new dimension of intimacy in communication. For us, it was like being newlyweds again, only with more wisdom and understanding. That time prepared us for the tests ahead when our love would be challenged as never beflore.
Trials are never easy, nor are they sought out as desirable; but looking back, on the other side of the trial, positive changes are seen and appreciated.
Part of our daily routine at one point was to go for walks in a little park near us. Few people used the park in the early morning hours so we often had it to ourselves. We would walk along the path, quoting scriptures and singing songs. What wonderful times those were! Listening to Charles Spurgeon sermons being read on the internet also highlighted our days. Spurgeon's confidence in a loving, merciful heavenly Father greatly influenced us and gave us new insight into our Father's character.
Just six months before Rich submitted to an examination which resulted in the diagnosis of cancer, our marriage went through a time of purifying. September of 1997 became a turning point. We sought to become more open and loving with each other, which brought a new dimension of intimacy in communication. For us, it was like being newlyweds again, only with more wisdom and understanding. That time prepared us for the tests ahead when our love would be challenged as never beflore.
Trials are never easy, nor are they sought out as desirable; but looking back, on the other side of the trial, positive changes are seen and appreciated.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
One Year
A year ago, I did not know that within days, Rich would be gone to be with the Lord. How differently those days would have been lived if I could have seen ahead. Now I can only attempt to learn to be more present and more involved with each day of life, living in the "now" rather than the "someday"...
This year of adjustment has contained a mixture of negatives and positives. Negatives associated with grieving, with learning to let go and accept the change that has come; positives of overcoming, of building and rebuilding family relationships, of learning to anticipate and expect the good that lies ahead.
Regrets:
As this year has gone by, one of the struggles and sources of pain has been the missed opportunities to say "I love you", "You're awesome"--to affirm how much joy and love he'd given me., to remark on all his wonderful qualities, to let him know how attractive he was to me...Regrets that I wasn't a better wife ( but then I found notes from him telling me I was a great wife), even so being a better wife would have been a wonderful gift to have given him...
Another regret and questions centered around our spiritual life--did we take wrong turns, miss the mission He had for us to do together? Do I now try to find that mission and live it out as the remaining partner?
Grief:
Grief surfaces, sometimes triggering a flow of tears, sometimes a torrent of sobs--when I let it. I suppress it, push it down, avoid situations that will bring it to the surface. When it is allowed to come forth, usually the result is cleansing and healing.
Loss of companionship
There's a big empty spot, I try to fill it with being busy, being with people, but none of those fill that emptiness, that being alone
Learning to be one, to be me:
I lived in Rich's shadow. He was the decision maker, the trail blazer, the dispenser of wisdom in all the areas of our life--I coasted along, content to follow. Who am I? What do I do with the remainder of my life?
Learning to relax, to rest:
Our lives were tightly scheduled and structured while running the mushroom business. Even when we set it aside, there were still enough demands upon my day to keep me working steadily. So this year, I've tried to keep scheduled, to find things to provide structure, because I thought that's how I needed to continue to live and that if I didn't somehow I'd be negligent. And because I felt I needed to get to "work" and accomplish that illusive mission in our life. It's been a learning curve to realize that it's okay not to be on a treadmill, that it's okay to relax and to regroup.
In the midst of sorrow, joy:
Hugs from grandkids and kids; times of worship, expectations of heaven, experiencing love from Father God, seeing God at work in lives around me, reading love notes from Rich and remembering; hearing voices raised in worship and imagining Rich joining in with the voices in heaven; sharing times of fellowship with our children, seeing them walking with the Lord, enjoying the beauty of God's creation, thankfulness for the good years we had together...
This year of adjustment has contained a mixture of negatives and positives. Negatives associated with grieving, with learning to let go and accept the change that has come; positives of overcoming, of building and rebuilding family relationships, of learning to anticipate and expect the good that lies ahead.
Regrets:
As this year has gone by, one of the struggles and sources of pain has been the missed opportunities to say "I love you", "You're awesome"--to affirm how much joy and love he'd given me., to remark on all his wonderful qualities, to let him know how attractive he was to me...Regrets that I wasn't a better wife ( but then I found notes from him telling me I was a great wife), even so being a better wife would have been a wonderful gift to have given him...
Another regret and questions centered around our spiritual life--did we take wrong turns, miss the mission He had for us to do together? Do I now try to find that mission and live it out as the remaining partner?
Grief:
Grief surfaces, sometimes triggering a flow of tears, sometimes a torrent of sobs--when I let it. I suppress it, push it down, avoid situations that will bring it to the surface. When it is allowed to come forth, usually the result is cleansing and healing.
Loss of companionship
There's a big empty spot, I try to fill it with being busy, being with people, but none of those fill that emptiness, that being alone
Learning to be one, to be me:
I lived in Rich's shadow. He was the decision maker, the trail blazer, the dispenser of wisdom in all the areas of our life--I coasted along, content to follow. Who am I? What do I do with the remainder of my life?
Learning to relax, to rest:
Our lives were tightly scheduled and structured while running the mushroom business. Even when we set it aside, there were still enough demands upon my day to keep me working steadily. So this year, I've tried to keep scheduled, to find things to provide structure, because I thought that's how I needed to continue to live and that if I didn't somehow I'd be negligent. And because I felt I needed to get to "work" and accomplish that illusive mission in our life. It's been a learning curve to realize that it's okay not to be on a treadmill, that it's okay to relax and to regroup.
In the midst of sorrow, joy:
Hugs from grandkids and kids; times of worship, expectations of heaven, experiencing love from Father God, seeing God at work in lives around me, reading love notes from Rich and remembering; hearing voices raised in worship and imagining Rich joining in with the voices in heaven; sharing times of fellowship with our children, seeing them walking with the Lord, enjoying the beauty of God's creation, thankfulness for the good years we had together...
Saturday, August 25, 2012
New Girl on the Playground
My first day of school as a child began in first grade with everything out of step. Apparently school started on a different day, so when I arrived for my first day, I was the only one who was "new".
Besides that, I had come in jeans, which apparently wasn't considered proper school attire at that school--dresses and skirts only for girls.
The teacher asked other girls to help me get acquainted. They tried, but a mindset had taken hold in my thinking that said I was different than everyone else, that they didn't like me and wouldn't like me, and that even if they did talk to me, I wouldn't know what to say
Unfortunately that thinking pattern took hold and often, when encountered with a new situation with unfamiliar people, I unconsciously freeze up and put up walls, choosing to isolate myself and stick out rather than mingle. Having recognized this, I am resolving to tell myself that I'm not that little girl on the playground anymore, and that I can choose to be friendly. What a relief to be free!
Besides that, I had come in jeans, which apparently wasn't considered proper school attire at that school--dresses and skirts only for girls.
The teacher asked other girls to help me get acquainted. They tried, but a mindset had taken hold in my thinking that said I was different than everyone else, that they didn't like me and wouldn't like me, and that even if they did talk to me, I wouldn't know what to say
Unfortunately that thinking pattern took hold and often, when encountered with a new situation with unfamiliar people, I unconsciously freeze up and put up walls, choosing to isolate myself and stick out rather than mingle. Having recognized this, I am resolving to tell myself that I'm not that little girl on the playground anymore, and that I can choose to be friendly. What a relief to be free!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Favorite Songs
Today, I realized three of my favorite songs have a common theme--the steadfast love of Jesus, His presence with us throughout all of life's ups and downs and the provision of His righteousness.
From In Christ Alone by Stuart Townend:
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
From Our Great Savior by J. Wilbur Chapman
Jesus! What a Strength in weakness! Let me hide myself in Him;
Tempted, tried, and sometimes failing, He, my Strength, my vict'ry wins.
Jesus! What a help in sorrow! While the billows over me roll;
Even when my heart is breaking, He, my comfort, helps my soul.
From The Solid Rock by Edward Mote
My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ, the solid Rock I stand--All other ground is sinking sand, All other ground is sinking sand.
When darkness veils His lovely face, I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale my anchor holds within the veil.
His oath, His covenant, His blood support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives ways, He then is all my hope and stay.
The Solid Rock came from the 19th Century, Our Great Savior from the early 20th Century, and In Christ Alone from the late 20th Century--a witness from generation to generation of the blessings of His steadfast love and constant care.
From In Christ Alone by Stuart Townend:
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
From Our Great Savior by J. Wilbur Chapman
Jesus! What a Strength in weakness! Let me hide myself in Him;
Tempted, tried, and sometimes failing, He, my Strength, my vict'ry wins.
Jesus! What a help in sorrow! While the billows over me roll;
Even when my heart is breaking, He, my comfort, helps my soul.
From The Solid Rock by Edward Mote
My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ, the solid Rock I stand--All other ground is sinking sand, All other ground is sinking sand.
When darkness veils His lovely face, I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale my anchor holds within the veil.
His oath, His covenant, His blood support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives ways, He then is all my hope and stay.
The Solid Rock came from the 19th Century, Our Great Savior from the early 20th Century, and In Christ Alone from the late 20th Century--a witness from generation to generation of the blessings of His steadfast love and constant care.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Always Faithful, Always True
A stack of old letters, a note here and there...as I go through files and boxes of momentos accumulated over the years, invariably something will pop up that Rich wrote to me telling me of his love and devotion. For me, it is a blessing to have words of endearment from him coming unexpectedly and steadily even now. The fact that I have so many is a testimony of his dedication to letting me know of his commitment to love and cherish me until death.
When he entered the Marine Corps, I asked him what "Semper Fidelis", the Marine motto, meant. He wrote back that it means "Always Faithful". He said "always faithful" was an apt description of God and that he wanted to be always faithful to me and to the Lord. He was!
Principles and truths guided Rich's life. When he found a principle that he believed was true and right, he would stick to it, no matter what. Faithfulness to our marriage was fueled by these verses found in Proverbs 5:15-19
Drink waters out of thine own cistern, And running waters out of thine own well.
Should thy springs be dispersed abroad, And streams of water in the streets?
Let them be for thyself alone, And not for strangers with thee.
Let thy fountain be blessed; And rejoice in the wife of thy youth.
As a loving hind and a pleasant doe... And be thou ravished always with her love.
For 43 years he remained a faithful husband and father. On this, our anniversary, I honor him. He was "Always Faithful, Always True."
When he entered the Marine Corps, I asked him what "Semper Fidelis", the Marine motto, meant. He wrote back that it means "Always Faithful". He said "always faithful" was an apt description of God and that he wanted to be always faithful to me and to the Lord. He was!
Principles and truths guided Rich's life. When he found a principle that he believed was true and right, he would stick to it, no matter what. Faithfulness to our marriage was fueled by these verses found in Proverbs 5:15-19
Drink waters out of thine own cistern, And running waters out of thine own well.
Should thy springs be dispersed abroad, And streams of water in the streets?
Let them be for thyself alone, And not for strangers with thee.
Let thy fountain be blessed; And rejoice in the wife of thy youth.
As a loving hind and a pleasant doe... And be thou ravished always with her love.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
When God Shows Up
I love it when the Lord "shows up" in my life. This morning was such a time. I had been struggling all week with questions about what I should be doing, how to be a "worker" for Him, being eager to jump in and do something--anything--just so I could feel productive. I didn't have any sense of direction, any "calling"...was it because I'm not listening, not getting quiet enough so I could hear? These were my thoughts and questions.
This morning I opened a devotional book that I use. After reading the devotion, which was helpful, I turned to the Scripture references, which were both familiar passages, but the devotional writer suggested reading them in the Amplified version. I read the verse given, but kept reading and then got to the verse the Lord wanted me to see. In essence, He said: wait, trust Me, rest, don't start off on your own...that He was waitng expectantly for me to get to that place of trust and quietness so that He could work in me and through me.
Besides the comfort of hearing from Him, there's also the reassurance that He will communicate even though there may be times of being perplexed and wondering why there doesn't seem to be progress.
This morning I opened a devotional book that I use. After reading the devotion, which was helpful, I turned to the Scripture references, which were both familiar passages, but the devotional writer suggested reading them in the Amplified version. I read the verse given, but kept reading and then got to the verse the Lord wanted me to see. In essence, He said: wait, trust Me, rest, don't start off on your own...that He was waitng expectantly for me to get to that place of trust and quietness so that He could work in me and through me.
Besides the comfort of hearing from Him, there's also the reassurance that He will communicate even though there may be times of being perplexed and wondering why there doesn't seem to be progress.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)