Always Faithful, Always True

A stack of old letters, a note here and there...as I go through files and boxes of momentos accumulated over the years, invariably something will pop up that Rich wrote to me telling me of his love and devotion.  For me, it is a blessing to have words of endearment from him coming unexpectedly and steadily even now.  The fact that I have so many is a testimony of his dedication to letting me know of his commitment to love and cherish me until death.

 When he entered the Marine Corps, I asked him what "Semper Fidelis", the Marine motto, meant.  He wrote back that it means "Always Faithful". He said "always faithful" was an apt description of God and that he wanted to be always faithful to me and to the Lord.  He was!

Principles and truths guided Rich's life.  When he found a principle that he believed was true and right, he would stick to it, no matter what.  Faithfulness to our marriage was fueled by these verses found in Proverbs 5:15-19

Drink waters out of thine own cistern, And running waters out of thine own well.
Should thy springs be dispersed abroad, And streams of water in the streets?
Let them be for thyself alone, And not for strangers with thee.
Let thy fountain be blessed; And rejoice in the wife of thy youth.
As a loving hind and a pleasant doe... And be thou ravished always with her love.

For 43 years he remained a faithful husband and father.  On this, our anniversary, I honor him. He was "Always Faithful, Always True."

When God Shows Up

I love it when the Lord "shows up" in my life.  This morning was such a time.  I had been struggling all week with questions about what I should be doing, how to be a "worker" for Him, being eager to jump in and do something--anything--just so I could feel productive.  I didn't have any sense of direction, any "calling"...was it because I'm not listening, not getting quiet enough so I could hear?  These were my thoughts and questions.

This morning I opened a devotional book that I use.  After reading the devotion, which was helpful, I turned to the Scripture references, which were both familiar passages, but the devotional writer suggested reading them in the Amplified version.  I read the verse given, but kept reading and then got to the verse the Lord wanted me to see.  In essence, He said:  wait, trust Me, rest, don't start off on your own...that He was waitng expectantly for me to get to that place of trust and quietness so that He could work in me and through me.

Besides the comfort of hearing from Him, there's also the reassurance that He will communicate even though there may be times of being perplexed and wondering why there doesn't seem to be progress.

Yearning Fulfilled

Years ago, I'd hear testimonies of people who had a relationship with God that went beyond anything I'd experienced.  I couldn't identify with what they were saying; my own relationship seemed so wooden and forced.

Today that has all changed!  When I hear a person affirm the reality of God in his or her life and how they have found Him faithful, my heart responds with a resounding "Yes, I know that too, that is my experience as well".

What has brought about the change?  Nothing clear cut and monumental stands out.  I think it was the result of small changes of thinking and of a choice here, and a choice there.  One time after listening to sermons by Charles Spurgeon on a daily basis, I marveled at his confidence in the goodness of God.  Mr. Spurgeon had an unshakable trust in God's character as being trustworthy.  I made the decision to believe God's character is, without question, one of integrity, goodness and trustworthiness, no matter whether circumstances seemed to say otherwise.  Our heavenly Father is not a capricious, arbitrary god such as those found in Greek mythology, but wholly holy.

Another turning point came when I stopped believing that God's love for me was based on my performance.  The realization followed that His love for me had nothing to do with my "works", but was solely His choice.  "For God so loved the world..." included me. When I started on a journey to return to Oregon, He was with me, as He had always been, but this time there was a heightened awareness of His love.  Whether it came through a song, a passage of Scripture, a book taken off a shelf or a sermon; the message came through clearly:  " I love you."

Can that realization be lost or dimmed?  Yes, it can.  Some days I have wondered where it went, wondered if I was mistaken.  The awareness can be overshadowed by cares of this world, by distractions, by getting caught up in negative emotions... in many ways, just as clouds obscure the sun, it can fade.  But the remedy is easy---think on things that are true, especially the fact that He does love me and that that love isn't going to evaporate in the midst of trials---and by giving Him thanks and telling Him that I love Him.

If God loves me, even one such as me, and calls me His beloved, then most assuredly He loves you as well, for He is no respecter of persons!

Clarifying Impressions

Most of my posts are positive and upbeat.  Although that predominantly is how my life is going, it does not mean that there aren't times of pain and grief.  Both come unexpectedly and predictably--unexpectedly at the sight of an older couple growing old together; or predictably when thoughts surface of regrets, or the awareness that a special occasion is near.  I can be surrounded by people, yet alone, because my lifelong companion is not beside me.  Since where I put my focus determines my outlook and attitude, I choose to focus on moving forward rather than getting mired down in that which only pulls me into emotional distress.  When my guard is down, and I slip into a negataive tailspin, it can be very painful and disheartening.  During those times, drawing inward is the worst thing I can do, yet it is the easiest.  Like quicksand, it can draw me deeper and deeper, hence getting out requires a bigger effort.  Thankfully, thus far I've been able to pull myself out.

Anchored

Once in a while, a defining moment takes place in life; one that can be looked back upon as a time of choice that influences life from that point on.

Two such moments are interconnected, but were years apart.  More than 15 years ago, I sat with a friend discussing prayer and situations in our lives.  I remember making a statement to the effect that if a particular need that I had wasn't answered in the way that I expected, it would not change my faith in God or in prayer.  When I said that, it almost felt like I'd dropped an anchor that sunk down deep and took hold, not to be dislodged.  Shortly after that, in a small group setting, someone described me as a person whose faith went down to bedrock--another visualization of what had taken place in me.


The second time occurred in a motel room.  Months before I'd sat beside a dying family member who refused to have anyone bring up the need for salvation; even though a Christless, Godless eternity stretched ahead.  That one was convinced there was no need, that religion was pointless, that God didn't exist, or if He did, He didn't have any concern or interest for individual people.  Now, that same thinking had taken root in another family member.  Doubts and questions began to challenge my belief system; what if they are right and I'm wrong?  Then, memories surfaced of times when the Unseen One-- Jesus, my Lord-- had responded to cries for help, of times when His presence was real.  How could I say such a one did not exist when He had interacted with me?  He was too real, too personable for me to say He did not exist.  The doubts were thrust aside; God was more than a belief--He was real.

Those two defining moments anchored me for the time in which I now live-- my beloved husband and friend no longer walks hand in hand with me.  But there is Another, who assures me of His love and who also holds my hand.  I am even more assured now that He is real; that He loves me; that He is with me.  It is a knowing that has come from trying experiences, from doubts examined and set aside; and from that communication that is unheard, unseen, not tangible to the physical senses in any way, yet so very real.