One Year

A year ago, I did not know that within days, Rich would be gone to be with the Lord.  How differently those days would have been lived if I could have seen ahead.  Now I can only attempt to learn to be more present and more involved with each day of life, living in the "now" rather than the "someday"...

This year of adjustment has contained a mixture of negatives and positives.  Negatives associated with grieving,  with learning to let go and accept the change that has come; positives of overcoming, of building and rebuilding family relationships, of learning to anticipate and expect the good that lies ahead.

Regrets:
 As this year has gone by, one of the struggles and sources of pain has been the missed opportunities to say "I love you", "You're awesome"--to affirm how much joy and love he'd given me., to remark on all his wonderful qualities, to let him know how attractive he was to me...Regrets that I wasn't a better wife ( but then I found notes from him telling me I was a great wife),  even so being a better wife would have been a wonderful gift to have given him...

Another regret and questions centered around our spiritual life--did we take wrong turns, miss the mission He had for us to do together?  Do I now try to find that mission and live it out as the remaining partner?

Grief:
Grief surfaces, sometimes triggering a flow of tears, sometimes a torrent of sobs--when I let it.  I suppress it, push it down, avoid situations that will bring it to the surface.  When it is allowed to come forth, usually the result is cleansing and healing.

Loss of companionship
There's a big empty spot, I try to fill it with being busy, being with people, but none of those fill that emptiness, that being alone

Learning to be one, to be me:
I lived in Rich's shadow.  He was the decision maker, the trail blazer, the dispenser of wisdom in all the areas of our life--I coasted along, content to follow.  Who am I?  What do I do with the remainder of my life?

Learning to relax, to rest:
Our lives were tightly scheduled and structured while running the mushroom business.  Even when we set it aside, there were still enough demands upon my day to keep me working steadily.  So this year, I've tried to keep scheduled, to find things to provide structure, because I thought that's how I needed to continue to live and that if I didn't somehow I'd be negligent. And because I felt I needed to get to "work" and accomplish that illusive mission in our life.  It's been a learning curve to realize that it's okay not to be on a treadmill,  that it's okay to relax and to regroup.

In the midst of sorrow, joy:
Hugs from grandkids and kids; times of worship, expectations of heaven, experiencing love from Father God, seeing God at work in lives around me, reading love notes from Rich and remembering; hearing voices raised in worship and imagining Rich joining in with the voices in heaven;  sharing times of fellowship with our children, seeing them walking with the Lord, enjoying the beauty of God's creation, thankfulness for the good years we had together...